Monday, October 18, 2010

Sister Wives, D-Bags, and Self-Loathing in American Fork, Utah

I'm pretty much down with polygamists.  I don't mind them at all really, I mean if all parties are into it, who am I to judge? Hef has three chics, nobody seems to mind.  It's totally acceptable in many parts of the world, okay not a problem.  On a personal level, I come from Utah people, Mormon people.....and yes, polygamists, and not very far back.  My great-great grandmother was a second wife .........wait for a man who was married to two of her sisters as well. Three wives, three sisters.   I'm not talking 'sister-wives' I'm talking like Marcia, Jan, and Cindy sisters, all married to the same dude. Utah, whatevz. That's not a typo, that's whatevz.

I don't really know that much about those old LDS lifestyles, things were different back then.  If you grew up in Utah, Idaho, Arizona.......there's a good chance there are some polygamists in your family too. There were some pluralist families living in the community where I grew up, but they were on the down-low I didn't realize it at the time. Later, when I found out, it didn't faze me.  It's something people aren't too shocked by in certain parts of the country.  Go to Target in St. George, Utah, and you can see the compound polygamists everywhere, all decked-out their prairie garb, buying things that seem odd for people in prairie Diet Coke and Jansport backpacks.  It's kind of weird, but only because you wouldn't think they would buy that stuff.  At least I wouldn't want a backpack if I was living on a compound.  Or would I?  Oh nevermind.

Members of the FLDS Polygamist Sect

When polygamy was outlawed, the LDS church followed the law of the land so to speak, and has since ceased endorsing that lifestyle.  I think a lot of people don't get that, and it kind of bugs me. These polygamists aren't typically mainstream Mormons, they are reorganized break-off religious sects, often claiming to be following the original beliefs of the LDS church.  And some, well they just have a completely original spin on why they are living the principle.  So, there's my clarification for those that think Mormon means polygamist.  It doesn't.  And to those of you that think LDS people have horns, they don't.  At least I've never seen any, and I made out with plenty of returned missionaries in my day.....I have nothing unusual to report.  Just because there is a Mormon guy at work, don't think he's got three wives and eighteen kids at home. Oh, and while I'm giving this little lesson on Mormons, those Duggars with the 19 kids aren't Mormons either, they are just horny I guess.

Before I go on, let me address these pedophiles who call themselves polygamists so they can get it on with 13-year-old girls....uhm no.  I vehemently object to that.  I'm not into the 'compound' polygamist lifestyle.  Raping little girls, abandoning young men and boys so they don't become 'competition' for the little girls living within the walls the compounds, no, NOT DOWN WITH THAT!  Warren Jeffs is where he should be, in jail.  He's not a prophet, he's a creeper.

HBO's hit show Big Love is fabulous.  I have been a huge fan since the first episode.  I think it's a pretty realistic portrayal of those actually living the 'principle' as it's known to those of us living in proxmity.  I love to hear the SPOT ON Utah accents when watching that show.  My favorite part are the fake cuss words, it takes me back to my childhood, back to 'my' people.  I love it.  I hadn't heard "Goodnight Nurse!" in at least twenty years.

When TLC announced their new show, Sister Wives, I couldn't wait for it to start.  I guess I was expecting a real life Big Love where there would be a prophet-like father figure, sweet sister wives, and reverent children.  Not even close.  This show is a train wreck, white trash on parade.  Let me just break it down for those of you that haven't had the misfortune of tuning in.

Kody Brown and Wives
Kody Brown, the dad, the husband, the narcissistic hot mess of a man who is the leader and sperm donor to this bonker brood.....he brings a bad name to American Fork, Utah, home of probably the most kick-ass high school marching band in the world, I HEART AF! Anyway, I'm not a doctor, but the way he buzzes around, it's like watching a Ritalin-kid trapped in the body of a middle-aged, balding, ad sales rep.  Hyper!  He's also the quiet manipulative type. He twists the thoughts of these women, all the while with a big stupid grin on his face.  He does it so effortlessly, it appears his lame tactics are now second-nature.  I did enjoy watching him manipulate the wives in a sick way, but I think I was more interested in the way the expressionless wives would just stare at him as though he was Tommy Lee or Denzel, or somebody good.  Uhm, no he's gross. His hair flops around, it's badly receded, frizzy, needs product.  One of my friends described him as a muppet.  I agree with that statement, only muppets are super cool.

The first wife is Meri.  She really seems the most normal of the wives, which is odd because she's been living in this tragedy the longest.  She and Kody only have one daughter, so she's practically of no use to Kody at this point.  Bad at baby-making, semi-jealous, the only thing he really seemed to like about her is that she's stellar at organizing moving boxes and loading a U-Haul.  I guess we all have a purpose in life.

Enter career woman and wife numero dos, Janelle.  She's got six of Kody's spawn that she's claiming.  Janelle is pretty interesting in that she has a real job, although we never learn what her job is.  She likes making cash, or so she says, and is more than willing to admit she's not down with the monotony of child-raising.  I think she just can't stand being around all of those kids, so off to work she goes. That makes her the smartest of the wives, clearly. This one constantly praises how great the other mom-wives are at taking care of the home and the countless little ones.  Janelle obviously wants no part of that.  I also got the feeling that she didn't really care too much for Kody, she was just there......zombie girl.  Bleach-blonde zombie girl that doesn't like tending kids.

Christine is the craziest of the three wives, and not just because for most of the first season she is a pregnant hormonal mess, but because she has crazy eyes. Very crazy eyes.  She talks too much, is a know-it-all, and is almost as big of a mess as Kody which is why I think he likes her the most of the three og's.  For those of you without any 'street cred' an "OG" means original.  Now you know.  Anyway, Christine has five kids with the big muppet baby, and pops another one out in episode five.  It was particularly moving when she was laboring with bambino number six and the Kodymeister was pumping the doc for info on how to artificially inseminate practically barren wife number one.  Gag.

Finally we have Robyn, single mom and fiance of Kody.  Good Night Nurse!  This chic is a trip! She's the pretty one, the skinny one, the weepy one, and the dumbest. Who in their right mind signs up for this type of circus?   If she had a better hairstyle, some True Religion Jeans, a semi-expensive boob job, and five-inch heels, well, she could probably pass herself off as one of Bravo's Real Housewives.......provided she didn't open her mouth, which is her worst attribute.  She's about to bare her testimony and break into tears at any moment.  The highlight of the season is the wedding making her Kody's number four sex slave.  I was horrified when she and the three matronly ones went to David's Bridal to pick out dresses for the wedding, I had to avert my eyes.  Trrrraaaaaaggggiiiicccccc!!!!!! OMG.  Talk about crimes of fashion. Yikes.

I watched all six episodes.  I usually love reality tv, but man, this might have been my limit.  I was talking with a good friend that grew up in the same little Mormon town that I did.......we were commiserating on what a toolkit Kody is.  She happens to be a psychologist, a really fantastic one I might add, as well as the genius that compared Kody Brown to an aged muppet.  In her fancy shrink way, she picked up on some key things the sister wives said. Her diagnosis, they feel 'empty' and are trying to fill the void with all of these 'plyg kids' and foolishness.  I asked my doc friend why the wives don't fill the void of being a thirty-something, quickly approaching we do, with Vodka, one-night-stands, girls' weekends to Vegas and peanut butter cups.  I mean, historically, isn't that what girls like us do?

The Sister Wives
Now that the season is over, what  am I going to do with my Sunday nights?  Thankfully the new season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians just started, I need some normalcy back in my life.  I guess I will just sit here and wait for the Utah Attorney General's Office to open a can of Woop Ass on the Kodester. That would be interesting TV.


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