Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Miner #2 is Mine!

Like everyone else on the planet, I was horrified to learn of the 33 trapped miners in Chile.  I am still dumbfounded at how their note to the outside world was discovered, how they all survived those first undoubtedly BEYOND wretched days. What an amazing group of human beings!  God willing, none of us will ever experience the horrors they suffered mentally and physically.  Let us hope not!

So captivated by the story, I signed up for the 'Google Alerts' regarding the miners and their plight.  When finally, they were discovered alive, for some reason I had serious faith that eventually they would be rescued, somehow.......some way.  So many heroes, above ground and below, proof that miracles do happen, and I for one am so profoundly grateful that these people and their loved ones are now finally immersed in a sea of reunited bliss.  It was wonderful to watch the capsule bring each person to the earth's air again, I bawled 33 times, and then I bawled some more.  It's rare to cry such happy tears, but it felt so good.

The 33 Rescued Chilean Miners
For me, the rescue operation was top shelf reality TV, I stayed up all night glued to CNN, no coffee needed.  What a high, what a rush!  Moral and emotional Robitussin for the entire world.  I loved it.  One of those moments that we feel connected with the planet.  No Black versus White.  No Arab Israeli conflict. Nobody trying to say that the Oakland Raiders suck when everyone should recognize that they have been and will always be the BOMB DOT COM! WOOOOHOOOOO!  Okay, I got off the subject there for a minute...........back to my thought.

Now that everyone is safe and sound, and from what I understand from news outlets, in amazing health considering the whole near tragedy, I think it's okay to say what a lot of women were thinking.  SOME OF THOSE MINERS WERE SUPER HOT!!!!!!!!  I'm not talking kind of cute, I mean Level 4 or 5, I will stalk you and do shady drive-by your house missions at 3:00 AM hot. Who would have thought?

Rescued Hottie Miner #1, Florencio Avalos 
I guess from the grainy videos we saw of these guys shirtless in the mine, I expected them to all kind of look like that character "Mr. Edwards" from Little House on the Prairie. WRONG.  The first one popped out of the capsule and I was like DAMN BOY!  I felt bad for thinking it.  Was I a sicko?   I felt kind of like I was drinking wine coolers in the back of the bus on the way to band camp.  Sometimes though, being bad feels sooooooo good.  When the second one emerged, HE WAS HOT TOO!   Totally cute and rock star charisma, I was digging it!  One after the other, the man candy emerged from deep within the earth, accompanied only by the steam that either rose with them, or oosed from their hot bods!  Suddenly being trapped in a dark mine with these 33 studs didn't seem too bad.  Maybe more like an underground Disneyland for single moms! One text written to a girlfriend of mine said, "Is it just me or are some of these miners hot?"  That's all I had to write and the floodgates were open.  Texts back and forth between about twenty of my girlfriends and I, ranking these dudes like they were Chippendale's Dancers and we were all bombed out of our minds on a girls' Vegas weekend.  My favorite texts went something like, "# 2 is mine" and "did u c 27's butt?"  I was glad I wasn't the only one who noticed how major these guys were.  One friend's mother said to me, "I liked the one with long hair, he looked like a rocker."  I agreed with this chic in her 70's, he was cute.

SUPER MARIO! Mario Sepulveda, who I like to call HOTTIE #2
Okay, now for the ugly part, Number 21.  Bad boy bad boy, watcha gonna do?  Yonni Barrios was the miner whose love triangle was discovered when his wife and mistress practically came to blows at Camp Hope.  Almost like speaking ill of the dead, I feel bad for what I'm about to say, and in no way should this diminish his earned hero/miner status.  But, Yonni is a creeper.  The creeper part wasn't even that he had a mistress, it was that he allegedly asked both of them to greet  him as the capsule returned him to Chile and quite possibly a hellstorm of woman fury.  According to the Sun, his mistress, Susana Valenzuela, reportedly spoke of her joy at having Barrios back, to which his wife Marta supposedly said, "She's welcome to him."  Go Marta, Go Marta, Go Marta! Some men are so narcissistic.  I mean, did he really think they would both show up, on worldwide television to greet him Hugh Hefner style? (Hef is the only one allowed to do that!) Kudos to Marta.  She needs to ice that man down, permanently.  The only exception to the obligatory icing would be if she needs to play nice as long as it takes to cash in on some of the Miner-Celebrity dough, and then boot his sorry ass.  She earned some of that money, he's obviously a toolbox.  Marta has reportedly told press outlets that she only had "two or three days of happiness" in their 28-year marriage, and has also said, "I'm not even going to watch him on TV. I know he is OK and that's enough for me."  You go girl!  I'm sure you are smarter and cuter and funnier than "OLD SUSANA" anyway, I mean YOU DESERVE BETTER RIGHT!

Naughty #33 and his hook, aka Yonni Barrio (Creeper McCreeperton) and homewrecker Susana Valenzuela
I haven't blogged in forever, and when I mentioned to my dad that I was going to do a ranking of the miners' hotness, 1-33, he told me it was a 'bad idea little girl." That's dad code for, "you do that and I'll disown you and you will still be orbiting the earth ten years from now because I will put you there with my boot." I still might do it, but I'll let a little more dirt fall on it, no pun intended.

For now, in 33rd place, miner number 21, sweet Yonni.

Having said all of that, I couldn't be more thrilled for the miners, the rescuers, the families, Chile, and even my main man Yonni.  They are all heroes, courageous, brave, true examples of what a wonderful thing the human spirit can be. Thank you to Oakley for hooking them up with those dark sunglasses so they all looked so sexy as they greeted us via our flat screens, and to the good folks that sent down the razors and dry shampoo, GOOD THINKING!  We ladies ENJOYED!


Monday, October 18, 2010

Sister Wives, D-Bags, and Self-Loathing in American Fork, Utah

I'm pretty much down with polygamists.  I don't mind them at all really, I mean if all parties are into it, who am I to judge? Hef has three chics, nobody seems to mind.  It's totally acceptable in many parts of the world, okay not a problem.  On a personal level, I come from Utah people, Mormon people.....and yes, polygamists, and not very far back.  My great-great grandmother was a second wife .........wait for it......to a man who was married to two of her sisters as well. Three wives, three sisters.   I'm not talking 'sister-wives' I'm talking like Marcia, Jan, and Cindy sisters, all married to the same dude. Utah, whatevz. That's not a typo, that's whatevz.

I don't really know that much about those old LDS lifestyles, things were different back then.  If you grew up in Utah, Idaho, Arizona.......there's a good chance there are some polygamists in your family too. There were some pluralist families living in the community where I grew up, but they were on the down-low I didn't realize it at the time. Later, when I found out, it didn't faze me.  It's something people aren't too shocked by in certain parts of the country.  Go to Target in St. George, Utah, and you can see the compound polygamists everywhere, all decked-out their prairie garb, buying things that seem odd for people in prairie clothes....like Diet Coke and Jansport backpacks.  It's kind of weird, but only because you wouldn't think they would buy that stuff.  At least I wouldn't want a backpack if I was living on a compound.  Or would I?  Oh nevermind.

Members of the FLDS Polygamist Sect